Determine the Quality of Your Mind (Aurelius)

I was going to write something during the week designated for Mental Health Awareness but I decided to watch, to read and to listen.

I have had my own challenges over the years, battling inconsistencies, blaming myself, regularly seeking professional support and yet it continued.

I decided it was time for some self-investment.

It was not the first time I had sought support and it doesn’t mean that other options failed, it was finding the right time - something that everyone always talks about but not something I had really registered.

I had been given plenty of tools to help me along the way from The Warrior Programme to the courageous Claire Wilshire, DR-ME.

Each of them has taught me new things about myself, about goals and how to achieve them and above all that it is alright to put me first, to look after myself.

I reached a stage where I still just couldn’t get over the tipping point to make it happen. I didn’t understand myself fully and the influences that had shaped me; nagging issues that I couldn’t pinpoint. I needed someone to guide me through all of this.

The joy was that I could re-visit the tools that DR-ME and The Warrior Programmes had given me. I could look at the goals I had set and see that I had achieved some.

My real eureka moment came when I had to put into practise everything that I had been taught and it was on the most unexpected of occasions.

I had a project at work to support the charity Walking With The Wounded. Having helped with some networking I was invited to join the team on their first day of their Walk of Oman. We met at the car park at the bottom of Pen-Y-Fan and my mind went into flight / freeze mode.

I knew I had volunteered to be there but suddenly I had Who Dares Wins going around in my head; a pile of negative thoughts churning over and over. All the times I had been put forward as token female in the Army with the expectation of failure and when I didn’t there was no counter emotion or comment, just more snide remarks.

I began the walk knowing I was the only one in uniform, an officer and I felt that I stood out. All these thoughts turned into a negative and almost as soon as we left the car park I was struggling with my breathing, struggling with the gentle incline and well, just struggling.

To cover my perceived, as that is all they were, inadequacies I teamed up with Andy. HIs spinal injury didn’t like the damp weather, which meant he stopped periodically. We began chatting. Another veteran suggested how I focus on my breathing.

I was walking with experts: experts in mental health and they could see I was struggling.

As we progressed up the to the summit I found myself chatting to some other members of the team and by the time I had changed my mindset from ‘I can’t’ to ‘I can’, we were in the queue to get a photo at the top.

After ten days I met the team at Horseguards at the start of their final day in London. I had the privilege of reading out a message from Major General Eastman. I also stole the opportunity at the end to add my own personal thanks.

The weekend after Pen-Y-Fan I was taking part in the Oxford Half Marathon. I had done some training but not, perhaps, as much as someone who wanted a good time. Up until the moments I spent walking in the Brecon Beacons with Andy and the rest of the team I had real doubts as to whether or not I could finish it.

I did finish.

“The things you think about determine the quality of your mind.”

“Your soul takes on the colour of your thoughts.”

Marcus Aurelius, Meditations